my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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