is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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