He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
