Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
