so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
