shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
no, he came in my armpit
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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