Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
