Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize