a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
