she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
