When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
