porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize