I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
