My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
