The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
