Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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