I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
