My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
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