Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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