Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize