turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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