i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Only a mothe r could love this liver
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
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