my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
