margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
