Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
