im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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