What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
