I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
