I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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