I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
