if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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