it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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