Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
