Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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