Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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