well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
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