are you still at the devil's house?
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
