Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
