I think my vagina is haunted
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
