i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
