How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
