I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
These tits shall not be calmed
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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