So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
