oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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