New low: just hacked my moms facebook
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
