Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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