I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You dont lie about slip and slides
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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