Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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