I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
