i think my tv is drunk
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
