I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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