I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Randomize
