I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
