You're my little dorito
I cannot find my penis.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
