so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
