I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
