Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
