Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
