Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize