That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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