We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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