She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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